Best Friends

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Intro

Tonight, I'm getting something off my chest that has taken a toll on my mind for a while now. I know I had to write about the topic of friends soon because of how upset I have been about them lately. I have struggled with making friends my entire life, I've been a floater, an ally, I even tried online and have also just been a shoulder to lean on. But most importantly I thought I had been what is called a forever friend. I don’t know exactly what it is about me that steers people off, I guess there’s something just a little off-putting, just a little out of place that makes others think they can find better. Understandable. But what I don’t understand is how someone you thought was a forever friend that you put years into maintaining a friendship with can also steer away from you out of nowhere and for no apparent reason.

A Little Background (A Lot of Background)

Me and my best friend became friends in the year of sixth grade, now of course we’ve always known each other because we live in the smallest town to exist and go to the same school, but this year specifically we sat next to each other in two classes. For me sixth grade was the worst, loneliest time of my life. I had just had my best friend move away without a goodbye who I had dropped all my other friends for, so I had no one, no one, and as I explained before there is just a little something off about me so that didn’t help.

With the help of other drastic things in my life, at the ripe age of eleven I felt for the very first time that I wanted to die. You can say I'm dramatic, but the effects were seen. I was a loud, happy girl but I started to lock myself in my room, talk less, eat less, take no joy in the things I used to find so fun, quit my sports, started to take my thoughts out on myself physically, and just cry cry cry. Yet there was one thing I found filled every pit I was missing; music, specifically One Direction and Taylor Swift for anyone who relates. There was just something about also getting to know the people behind the music that made me so happy. How and why do they feel this way, what happened? It was such an easy distraction from what I had going on that it overtook me entirely. So now guess how me and my best friend became friends. One Direction of course. It helped us both through so much. Turns out she was struggling with friends too and we slowly over the years made it through all the friend groups we made it through and were officially each other's best friends. We had almost everything I can think of in common, she understood everything that I went through, everything I thought and did, we were the same person.

So, from sixth grade up to ninth we spent every waking minute together having the best time. The summer of 2024 was simply the most fun we ever had. We were together every day going to the movies, going to see Niall Horan in concert, playing tennis, doing anything, and I will cherish that for the rest of my life because I know it will never be the same as it was. 

Present Day

Everyone knows we are best friends, we would always get asked about the other. And if someone were to now, I wouldn’t have one word to say. Today is her birthday and I have no idea what she is doing. If it was a year ago, I would have the most extravagant plans for her sweet sixteen, but I don’t, I don’t know anything about her. So that is why I will get weird looks from my teachers when she leaves without me now after class, when we still have the seating chart of us sitting together, yet we don’t talk or even look at each other at all. That is why our other friends have to pick between us, why my parents ask what happened, why my boyfriend has the burden of being the only person I can trust.

I could explain to you what exactly happened, put the blame on one or the other, but I've done way too much of that lately and quite frankly I don’t know the whole answer. I just know that my best friend is different, that my best friend would never have treated me like this, would have never stopped randomly talking to me, would have never replaced me, would have never made me feel unimportant just because she has a new life, would have never not been happy for me just because she feels like it, would have never not stood up for me, would have never made me feel this way ever, and would never act like nothing is happening, especially not act like she doesn’t hold a fault in this at all, and she would never brush off me telling her I’ve been hurting myself again, and she would never, ever, make me feel the way I did in sixth grade. And that is simply the reason why we are no longer best friends. Because unfortunately my best friend is different. My best friend is not my best friend.

So now I will try my best to move along with my life, and it’s hard because, shoot me, I care with every fiber of my being. I look around my room and see pictures of us, gifts from past birthdays and Christmas, the room she’s slept in too many times to count, the room she’s helped clean before, and I will forever be disappointed that she won’t see how much it has changed, how much I have changed. I will look around and see her everywhere and I know that I will be here if she ever decides to be the girl I know again.

But for now, I have to appreciate the people who are really there, the people who don’t make me feel the way she made me feel. I have to make new friends, create a life that she will know nothing about. The way this situation made me feel will not go away, but the last thing I want to do is sulk while I could already be living the life I'm looking forward to. So, in the words of Taylor Swift “there were pages turned with the bridges burned, everything you lose is a step you take.” And that is how I will look at it from this day forward.